How Am I Supposed To Know That?
by Konstantinsen
Summary: Jaune gets a late-night phone call from Sun asking about certain things that he pretty sure is not the expert on. [one-shot]


Vrrrb! Vrrrb! Vrrrb!

Jaune groaned.

Flash, vrrrb! Flash, vrrrb!

The blonde knight grunted awake, turning his head against his pillow until the annoyingly bright light of his scroll roused him out of his sleep. With a vexed hiss, he swiped the device off the bedside table and held it over his head to see who the idiot was who was calling him up at—what time was it?—two in the gods damn morning.

"You've got to be kidding me," he croaked as he answered the call. "Hello?"

"Jaune? Jaune! Holy crap, dude, I've been trying to get you for like an hour now, dude!"

Jaune exhaled. "Sun... What do you want?"

"Sorry to wake you, man," apologized the monkey faunus on the other end of the line. "Y'see, I've been, well... I've been going through some rough times, y'know?"

The blonde knight stifled a sigh. "You got into another fight with Blake, didn't you..."

"... How'd you know?"

Um, it was pretty obvious? Anybody with a brain cell can tell that that the B in team RWBY was being hissy lately. Most probably that time of the month. Or the cat faunus was in heat and she was being aggressive about it. Who knew really? Regardless, either it was Sun or Yang taking the brunt of it and while Yang knew how to handle the situation, Sun didn't. Poor bastard.

Jaune rubbed the gunk from his eyes as he struggled to stay half-awake. "So... Why're you calling me?"

"Oh, right! Okay, um... Hear me out, okay? But don't freak out, okay?"

_You're_ freaking out, he wanted to say. "Okay..."

"Okay. Cool. You see, um...me and Blake have been, y'know, going through some bumps in the road lately, y'know, and, uh, a while ago we, uh, sort of, y'know, got into a nasty, um, disagreement and, uh..."

The blonde knight already knew where this was going. It was an open secret to everybody in their group and even to those who weren't dumb enough to not notice the verbal spats between the two faunus in their circle of friends. To most, it was Blake being cranky and chewing Sun out. For those who thought they were a couple, it was considered a normal part of a relationship; fights were going to be a thing between a couple and—if Ozpin were to be believed—considerably healthy as it strengthened their bonds...or drove them apart depending on which way they went.

Still, it just so happened that Jaune being the only guy in their group who grew up with seven overbearing sisters meant that his friends found him the most well-versed (outside of Ozpin and Qrow) to deal with such crises. No one believed the blonde knight when he repeatedly reiterated his ineptitude with relationships.

Case one: Weiss. Utter fail. No need to dredge up that sunken ship.

Case two: Pyrrha. Period. Drop it.

No, there is no case three. Ruby is _not _a 'case three.' She's just a friend, damn it. Stop insinuating things, Yang!

"...and I said, 'that's not what I mean't' but she kept going off on me so I..."

Oh, shit. Sun's still going. Hmm. Just keep humming to make him think he was still listening. Wait, why is he even keeping him on the phone? He could just put it down and go to bed.

But then again, that would be a dick move. And you don't do that to guys like Sun because Sun's a good guy and he's a buddy, one among many desperately needed to balance out the sea of estrogen in their circle of friends because gods know old Ozpin was too busy asserting his dominance over a little boy while Qrow was too busy drinking himself to death. Maria didn't count as she was an old lady; additionally, she herself said she was 'too old for that nonsense.'

"...I didn't know that that's where she kept her erotic art collection..."

Erotic art collection? Is that what she calls those books now? Come to think of it, he did _not _need to know any more of those details about Blake. "...Right..."

"...it was an accident, I swear! The books were on the shelf next to the plants when they caught on fire..."

So he burned away her sex novels? That would really tick a girl off. He remembered back when in the day when Saph reamed him after he 'accidentally' lumped in her box of adult magazines into the fireplace one cold winter night. "An 'accident,' huh."

"No, really, I swear! It was an accident! It got so bad that I thought about spiking her juice with catnip just to calm her down. Not that I had any intention to, I only thought about it. Considered it but not necessarily had any intent to go through with it. Heat of the moment and all, y'know..."

Jaune grunted in doubtful agreement. The blonde knight remembered the last time Blake had a run off those grounded herbs. She went on a bender that cost them a fortune in lien which Weiss, the disowned but still technically wealthy princess that she was, thankfully managed to scrounge up to pay for. The cat faunus ended up pole dancing atop an Atlesian military communications tower stark naked with Qrow having to fly up there and drag her down before the media could get there to broadcast the whole shebang to the rest of Remnant.

There were several recordings of it though. Live-streams, too. Yang herself filmed the whole thing from start to finish, laughing all the way. Blake could not look anyone straight in the eye for a whole week until she had a very lengthy chat with her parents from Menagerie.

"...and she still thinks I was the creep who went through her dresser drawer last night!"

Okay, he did _not _need to know about that. Unfortunately, that fact did not stop Sun from going off on his tangent. Good thing his brain blocked out as much of that as he could with only a few details slipping through the filters like 'frilly lingerie', 'thongs', and 'Ilia's whip.'

"Uh-huh," Jaune mumbled absently.

"...she didn't hit me though, which is a good thing. I mean, she likes to spank and that's really hot..."

The blonde knight held his scroll away from his ear. Block out as much of that as he could because he was absolutely not interested in that kind of stuff. He let Sun's voice ramble on until he felt it was safe enough to pay attention to what he was saying.

"...I dunno, man. I think I'm screwing up here. Am I the asshole? Was it my fault, really?"

The blonde knight yawned disinterestedly. "... Mmhmm."

"Aw, crud! You really think so?"

He could feel his scroll fogging up from the sweat moisturizing on his cheek. He should really put the device down lest his face would be drenching the pillow. Jaune rubbed his eyes to stay awake even though he closed them and was drifting off into dreamland.

"Yo, dude. You really think it was my fault?"

Oh, he was still talking. Quick! Say something. "Not really."

"What do you mean?"

Jaune stifled the urge to groan. He wanted to go back to sleep. Better think of something to end the conversation then and there. "Look, Sun. You're a good guy, alright? I'm pretty sure Blake's just going through a phase. She gets upset about anything under the sun."

Heh, that was a good one. Get it? Under the 'Sun' (Wukong) because it was Sun and he was not that impressive under there...according to some sources... Gods damn it, Yang.

"Yeah, yeah... I guess you're right."

Good. Now end the call. "Mmhmm. So what're you going to do about it?" Damn it, that's not what he wanted to say. Stupid altruistic instincts. Stupid tired brain.

"I don't know, man. I'm out of options here. I tried being nice, that didn't work out. I tried being more aggressive but that didn't work out either. I tried ignoring her but she tied me up with Gambol Shroud and—"

"Okay, okay, yeah, let's leave it at that." Jaune did _not _want to imagine any of that freaky kinky shit that Blake was into. "Look, you got to deal with this before it gets out of hand."

"I know, man. I just don't know what to do."

Neither do I, the blonde wanted to say. "I got nothing to offer. Sorry."

"Hey, it's okay. I know you're not the best at this... I guess I needed someone to talk to. Thanks for that. You're a real pal."

"Mmhmm."

"I'll try and fix this myself. After all, wouldn't want to bother you guys with this."

"Mmhmm."

"Besides, like you said, this was only a stage. Pretty soon, this'll blow over and things can be back to normal. Right?"

"Mmhmm."

"So...how are you and Ruby?"

Gods damn it, this again. Jaune sighed. "We're cool."

"Yeah? I hear you two are, well, a thing now? Not that I'm into that gossip and all that."

For the love of— "No, Sun. We're not. We're just friends. Yang just likes to tease and you know how she is with this crap."

For the first time in their whole call, Sun laughed. Perhaps that was a good thing. Maybe now he would put down the phone and leave him alone. "Yeah, that's definitely her. Still, it ain't that inconspicuous. You and her hanging out all the time."

"Sun, please," groaned the blonde knight. "There's nothing between me and her, alright? Don't misinterpret what you see and don't believe everything you hear. Yeah, we like to hang out but that's it. We hang out a lot. As far as back as the first day of Beacon."

More chuckling. "Alright, alright, cool. I hear you. I was just saying, that's all."

"Uh-huh. I'm getting really tired of saying that over and over again."

"Eh, didn't mean to pry. Was only curious."

"Right."

"Hey, thanks, man. This was a much needed talk, y'know? Like something between us bros, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jaune whinnied. Put down the damn phone already. It's almost three in the goddamn morning.

Sun kept talking. "You know, you're really good at this. The relationship stuff, I mean."

"That's what I'm told."

"... You sure you and Ruby aren't dating?"

The blonde knight silently dragged his palm down his face. "Sun... Come on, man."

"Hey, man. Just asking. People are curious. You two are, like, inseparable. Conjoined at the hip, you know."

"We're close, okay?" Happy now?

"Too close to be just friends?"

Gods damn it. "You know I got Blake's number."

"Yeah, you guys are just friends!" whimpered Sun.

Good boy. Now to put this to rest. "... I don't have much else to say. Except, well, let Blake cool down. Then have a sit down and talk it out. If she starts shit, take it like a man."

"You think so?"

"Hey, you asked for advice. I'm giving you the best I got."

"Right, right. So...I sit there and take it?"

How the hell was he supposed to know? The sparse times he ever interacted with the cat faunus, he learned about her being an ex-White Fang member with a penchant for freaky sex novels. "Knowing Blake, I think that's the best course of action. Unless you want to ask Yang."

"Nah, she pretty much said the same thing."

Jaune exhaled. So he did ask Yang. And was not content with what he got from her. Indecisive son of a— "Well, then I guess it's obvious what you're supposed to do now."

On the other end of the line, Sun let out a sound of defeat. "Pretty much. Hey, if ever you're in a bind or need some relationship advice, y'know, you know who to ask."

How ironic. The blonde knight rolled his eyes in the dark. "Sure, buddy."

"Right. Okay. So I'll let Blake blow off some steam. Who knows? Maybe it really is that time of the month, after all. Right?"

Sure, whatever. "Just don't antagonize her anymore, okay?"

"I won't. I'm not going to screw this up!"

Jaune hissed as he momentarily yanked his scroll off his ear. Don't yell into the receiver, moron! "... Uh-huh."

"So...I'll catch you later then."

"Yeah." His thumb hovered over the 'end call' button.

"See you on the flip side!"

And with that, the call ended. About fucking time. Jaune dropped his scroll onto the bedside table and wiped the sweat off his face. Extended calls like that often moistened the face. That was the fifth time this month that someone rang him up for this kind of crap. Seriously, why was everybody coming to him for relationship advice? He was no love guru! And for the love of all that was holy, he and Ruby were not an item! They were just friends. Best friends. Close friends.

Rustling.

"Hnn~... Jaune? Who was that?"

The blonde knight sighed and patted his friend on the shoulder. "Telemarketer."

Ruby rubbed her eyes and sat up on the bed, letting the blanket slip down to her waist exposing the majestic mounds of her unclad immaculate muffins. "At this time of the night? Really?"

"Yeah, real annoying bastards." Jaune wiped off a stray strand of her reddening hair and pushed her back down. "Go back to sleep, Rubes. I sure as hell need to."

The red reaper smirked before shuffling back under the covers, pressing her bare back up to his naked chest. "Nnn... Thought it sounded like Sun asking for relationship advice. It's like...the fifth time this month..."

Jaune slipped his hands around her waist and groaned into her shoulder. "I know... Seriously, why am I always the go-to guy for when people have problems with their significant others? I know jack squat!"

Ruby snickered. "I can think of a few reasons."

He sighed. "There's your uncle. He's got some notches under his belt. Not to mention Ozpin and Maria but I doubt they'd offer anything understandable to anyone in our age group."

She nuzzled her head against his cheek. "Nah, it's because you're the one with the most relevant experience for our age group."

"Pfft, yeah right." Besides, who was he to know all that stuff? He sucked at relationships! 'I had a fight with my partner-slash-boyfriend-slash-girlfriend-slash-significant other; let's ask the guy with the least experience in this field for advice.' Jaune mentally snorted at that.

"That's enough cranky, sleepyhead," cooed Ruby. "We've got a busy day ahead."

He sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Goodnight, Rubes."

She pecked him on the cheek. "Nighty-night, my hunky knight~."

* * *

**ORIGINALLY DRAFTED: April 1, 2019**

**LAST EDITED: April 4, 2019**

**INITIALLY UPLOADED: April 2, 2019**


End file.
